Chapter 64: Painful Memories

“I’m not laughing at you, my wife, I’m laughing at him. How was Lawrence’s expression?”

“I don’t know. I ran away before I could get a glimpse.”

“I feel so relieved. I’ve never felt this fresh before.”

“What if he thinks of me as a mess…?”

“Let him. If you’re a mess, then I am too. We’re both a f*cked up mess.”

“I don’t want Lawrence to see me as a promiscuous woman.”

“Why?” Clint’s carefree smile began to distort strangely. “Why does it matter what the crown prince thinks of you?”

Ailea hadn’t noticed the change in his aura. She continued. “I don’t want to make any mistakes.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know… maybe I don’t want to lose to him.”

“…”

Ailea wanted to show Lawrence that she was doing perfectly fine without him.

It was not that Clint was unaware of her feelings, but it did not feel right. His mouth was stiff. He tried laughing, but it did not come out well. It was static, his laugh. Clint placed his hand on her shoulder and pulled her close, caressing her hair gently. “What about tonight?”

“Yes?”

“Our first night.” There was no else but her. His eyes kept searching for her, wondering where she went off to. Every fiber of his being gravitated toward her. He simply wanted to be close to her. The image of her filled his thoughts the entire day, and the thought of her thinking about another man even for a slight moment did not sit right with him. He asked seductively, “Do you not want to?”

“N-no… it’s not that I don’t want it…” Ailea bit her lips. If she said no, Clint would not press further. He was not that kind of man, and she did not want to reject his advances either. She carefully cupped his cheeks and said, “I don’t know. It’s my first time… so could you lead the way…?”

Clint was a bit embarrassed by her forwardness. He wanted her to feel safe with him; he wanted to light candles, scatter flower petals in bed, anything to set the mood right, but he had none of that. Rather, he hugged her, desiring to wipe out the memories of Lawrence out of her head completely.

Clint took out all the rings, belts, and watches that would hurt her; he set them on the table and said gently, “I’ll go slowly.”

“Yes…”

Clint held her waist and gently pulled down the dress she wore for the ball. He looked at her, finding it hard to believe that no one else had seen her the way he saw her. He could not think of a beautiful reason to be apart from her at this very moment. He had desired to release the tightly fastened ribbon behind her back and feel the beauty of her flesh, but Ailea avoided it.

He held her shoulder, wondering if she had grown shy. They would soon become one, after all. As he untied the ribbon and pulled down the hem of her dress, tears fell from the corner of her eyes as she softly pushed him away with both hands.

“…Ailea? What’s wrong?”

She had been reminded of Lawrence, the image of the man tainting her innocence. Against her will, she was dragged and thrown to bed. Like a dead flower, she withered from the constant abuse she had faced from Lawrence. The words he told her as he laid ruins to her body ech*ed in her mind over and over again. He had reduced her to a single ash, burnt her alive, tainted her body, slurred words of abuse, made her feel less than she was. She was a hideous beast to him and that was all she could ever be.

Clint was unaware how Lawrence treated Ailea, only that he had kicked her out of the Outer Castle and forced her to marry a knight without her knowledge. Clint did not know that she had suffered endless abuse and that she was remembering her first night with Lawrence… the night he forced himself on her.

Clint held her gently, thinking that she was nervous. Rubbing her cheek with his thumb, he said, “Ailea, how can I do anything if you’re pushing me away like this?”

TL: Just found out that there is actually a smut version of Ever Ever After, which is quite interesting. But the author is basically implying (in the PG version) though vaguely that Lawrence had raped her. Though she isn’t fully aware of what rape is, just that she didn’t like it.